Liberating Yourself from Perfectionism
I’m a recovering perfectionist. I say “recovering” because you can’t delete your perfectionistic programming, but you can get better at noticing your tendencies, switching gears, and building new patterns of responding. One of the tools that helps with this process is the practice of recognizing and labeling mindsets; particularly “Performing” vs. “Learning” Mindsets. This blog post is my take on those terms.
Performing vs. Learning Mindset
Just this week I was preparing for a presentation and I was in a Performing Mindset. I noticed a small wave of anxiety as my mind worried about what the audience would think and whether it was perfect. I began to scan the presentation imperfections and dread the whole process.
When we look at a situation through the lens of a Performing Mindset, we’re short sighted. Our success becomes measured by the opinions of others (...whom we can’t control), we focus purely on being the best (... talk about pressure), and our mind becomes hyper-critical of anything less than perfection (...which is impossible to achieve). In sum, it creates a lot of anxiety, which makes it hard to function.
Yet we’re social creatures who want to be valued by our communities, so it’s completely natural to fall into this mindset. Rather than beating oneself up, simply recognizing, “Aha! I’m in a Performing Mindset,” is all that’s needed to pull up and pivot towards a Learning Mindset. In a Learning Mindset we’re focused on growth and values. It’s a mindset that recognizes life is about the journey, not the destination. It refocuses us on the things that are within our locus of control. It reconnects us to what truly matters deep in our hearts.
Pivoting to a Learning Mindset
Get Curious
If you want to pivot to a Learning Mindset, try asking these questions:
What can I learn from this experience?
For example: “I’m learning new things about this presentation topic. I’m learning which questions work best to promote lively discussions.”
Regardless of how I perform, what really matters to me about this experience? How do I want to show up throughout this experience?
For example: “I want to promote effective mental health treatments. I want to connect with others. I want to use this presentation as an opportunity to practice self-compassion.”
2. Record Your New Intention
Let the answers to these questions be the compass that guides your actions. It can be helpful to write these answers down, so you’ve got a tangible reminder that can serve as a touchstone. Studies show that intentions help us organize our behavior in new ways!
3. Use Non-Judgmental Reflection
When you need to adjust, use descriptive language for reflection. Using judgements like “good/bad” or “worthwhile/worthless” make us reactive and they don’t convey much useful information (Linehan, 2015). To stay more emotionally neutral and get to rich data, describe just the facts. Try to be so objective that your statements would hold up in a court of law. Stick to the who, what, where, when, and how.
Instead of saying “I screwed up!” You might say, “I talked about interventions for dissociation, without defining dissociation first. Someone expressed confusion. Next time, it could be helpful to begin by defining key terms.”
4. Create a Plan to Catch Yourself
If you default to a Performing Mindset, how will you get better at noticing it? When I work on projects that are difficult, I like to set a timer to go off hourly. It serves as a reminder to pause and check in with myself - which mindset are you in?
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
