Silencing Your Inner Critic

“If I talked to other people the way I talk to myself, I wouldn’t have any friends.” Sound familiar?

Human beings aren’t very strong, tough, or fast compared to other animals, so we evolved to band together in groups. Our comparative advantage was that we could coordinate our defense efforts, share resources, and collaboratively raise our young. If you were an early homo-sapien, then being kicked out of the tribe meant certain death! That’s why our minds are constantly monitoring our behavior - they’re making sure we fit in with others so that we can stay alive. 

Unfortunately, some people find their mind executes this task in a way that’s quite excessive and harsh. We tend to think that being hard on ourselves is necessary to make change and keep us from becoming complacent. But what does your direct experience tell you about those moments of harshness? Most people find that self-criticism makes them feel worthless, hopeless, and demoralized. The research supports this. Rather than motivating you, self-criticism sabotages you! So what can you do? 

Notice It

Everything starts with awareness. If we want to change our responses, we first have to notice there’s an opportunity to do so. Start by becoming really curious about your inner critic. What situations set it off? What does it sound like? How does it influence your behavior? What are the consequences of listening to it? Contacting the unworkable consequences will help build motivation to do something different.

Explore It

Does the voice of your inner critic sound familiar? If you had central figures in your life that had a critical style of communication, your mind may have learned to speak that way to you. It can be helpful to take an inventory of your early relationships to get a sense of where criticism was present. Seeing self-criticism as a learned behavior can make it easier to separate from it.

Get Some Distance

There is a rather playful ACT technique that can help you get some distance from these painful thoughts the moment they show up. It’s called “Thanking the Mind” and it involves simply noticing the self-criticism and thanking your mind for trying to protect you. Seeing this self-critical voice as separate from ourselves can help you feel more distanced from those thoughts so they have less influence over your behavior.

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is more than just positive thinking - it actually changes our physiology. “When we practice self-compassion we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system” (Neff, 2015). As a result, we’re better able to organize our behavior into meaningful action. Research shows that people that practice self-compassion take greater personal responsibility, are better able to cope with difficult situations, and have higher standards (Neff, 2015). Self-compassion is a skill that we can learn through practice. Kristin Neff is one of the leading researchers on self-compassion and has a website full of free exercises to grow this ability.

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.