Change One Word AND Change Your Life

When I introduce clients to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), their first question is usually “What the heck is dialectical?!” It’s a good question! In a nutshell, “Dialectics is the concept that two opposite ideas can both be true at the same time, and when considered together, they create a new truth or perspective.” (Rathus & Miller, 2015)

The Power of One Word

Let me give you an example:

I need to work

I need to play

These are two totally opposite ideas and they can both be true at the same time. If I get caught up in all or nothing thinking, it’s going to wreak havoc in my life. If I cling too tightly to the idea that “I need to work,” then I’m going to burn out. If I cling too tightly to the idea “I need to play,” then I’m not going to be able to pay my rent. Dialectics is about moving from “either/or” thinking to “both/and” thinking.

I need to work and I need to play

This small word can have a big impact. It promotes adaptability and flexibility! We now have a more balanced and expansive worldview that includes both perspectives, so my behavior is likely to be more effective. I’m more likely to attend to my work and also engage in self-care. Let’s try another example:

I really wanted to go to the meeting but I felt nervous

I really want to go to the meeting and I feel nervous

Can you feel the shift when reading the second sentence? It feels more possible to have those thoughts and feelings and take the actions that matter most. This outcome may require learning new coping strategies and opening yourself up to this possibility is often half the battle.

Dialects as a Communication Tool

Dialects can do a lot to unstick interpersonal standoffs too. Imagine you’re a parent and your teen just got home from school.

Parent says “You need to do your homework.”

Teen says, “I just got done with school, I’m wiped! I need to play some video games.”

Rather than taking the stance “I’m right, you’re wrong,” we can be dialectical and approach the situation from the stance that “I have a valid point to add and you have a valid point to add.”

Now that doesn’t mean that we suddenly agree with the other person, just give in, or that we always solve disagreements by compromising 50/50. It simply means that we look for the kernel of truth in the other person’s perspective. Being curious in this way will increase your empathy and make it easy to validate the other person’s feelings, both of which are great for unsticking standoffs!

“It makes sense you’d want to play video games. I know that midterms are this week, which means you’ve been under a ton of pressure, and at the same time that English paper is due tomorrow. Why don’t you take an hour to play and clear your head, before you start working on it. I can come up and look at your draft if you’d like some help.”

In DBT, you’ll find dialectics everywhere.

• As the therpaist, I accept you exactly as you are in the moment and I encourage you to change and grow.

• We will work together to feel better and to get better at feeling.

• Whenever we’re feeling misaligned, we will identify our opposing perspectives, work to synthesize them, and move forward as a team.

Give it a try! Catch your “buts” this week, replace them with “and,” then notice what happens! Rinse and repeat!

Rathus, J. H., & Miller, A. L. (2015). DBT®skills manual for adolescents. Guilford Press.